One thing most (although I would argue all) adults admit they struggle with when first entering into the worlds of child care are the intense emotions they feel when the children or teens in their charge demonstrate challenging behaviors. The most difficult of these include actively refusing or talking back to your directions, using verbal or physical aggression towards you, or continuing to engage in behavior that harms other children also in your care even after the you have tried to put a stop to it. However, even routine behaviors can provoke anxiety and other negative feelings in the early stages of your experience as a teacher, counselor, or parent- behaviors such as children saying “no” or other mild forms of non-cooperation such as ignoring your instructions.
When your camper(s) first act out and you are “responsible” for them, you suddenly feel like all the world’s a stage, and the spotlight is shining on you and you alone. You will likely experience many uncomfortable and unpleasant reactions- embarrassment, feeling loss of control, lack of confidence, and/or anger towards the child or children who are causing the problem. However, just as your respect, self-worth, and authority to be in your role does not come from your campers, nor does it depend on your campers’ behavior. You have been chosen to be a staff by the directors. You have been assigned to your bunk by your Unit Leader. The feedback on your work comes from those sources.
In the unpleasant moments, having read this page, I hope you will think back to my words and realize the following three important truths:
- I am not alone in having this experience. As I described above, pretty much everyone who has been new to the world of childcare has had these feelings and this experience. It’s everyone’s first day sometime.
- Soon enough, I will be really used to this. The nice thing about being new is that it doesn’t last forever. Believe it or not, in short order, you will no longer “care” if your kids are running for the road or refusing to stop calling their bunkmates names. You’ll want to work on it, you will want to help solve the problem- but it won’t seem like it’s your fault, or something you did wrong, because it isn’t.
- The only person’s behavior you can actually control is your own. The child’s (camper’s) behavior serves them a purpose that has nothing to do with you. This is a thought you can carry over into all parts of your life! Everyone in the world is behaving independently of how it affects you- some more than others, especially our children, whose mental processes really have not developed to include any perspective of how their behavior influences other people. However, you are in control of your responses to behavior- including your campers’ behaviors- and that can never be taken away from you.
WATCH THIS: Video Discussion: THEA MULLIS, Travel and Weekender Director and SARA HABERMAN, Counselor, Behavioral Specialist, and Unit Support Specialist April 14, 2020
There are any number of ways to cope when you are feeling these initial reactions of fear, anger, and embarrassment when you are still adjusting to life as a caretaker, and yet potentially are dealing with some very difficult behavior from your children.
1- Close your eyes, and try to separate yourself from the situation emotionally. Remind yourself that while right now this is uncomfortable, soon you will be used to dealing with challenging behavior.
2- Enlist a “co-parent”. There are any number of staff at our camp and this is one reason why. You may feel in the moment that you need to ‘prove yourself’ or that if the campers do not listen to you, they will never respect you. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is, again, because your campers’ behavior is not about you- it is about them and their needs and wants. So getting another staff to join in and help achieve what needs to happen- whether it is letting a kid rant through a meltdown or staying with the one kid who won’t put their shoes on while you take the rest to swim- is exactly why we have as many counselors as we do.
3- Walk away. Using force over something that you genuinely cannot control (a camper’s behavior) is a very dangerous game. So if you are really becoming emotionally overwhelmed or angry at the camper or group of campers, you should walk away as soon as you can. If you “lose it” in front of your kids, it will be hard to regain their respect. Your campers will realize that you do not have control of your reactions, and that they can push you to get what they want or you will explode.
Here is my list of my own top three external responses to challenging behavior:
1- Confusion. Plain old ‘acting dumb’ has worked for me many times. Ask them, “why are you acting this way? I am trying to understand what makes this different for you than it seems to be for the rest of the bunk.” Obviously this sends the message that you are not affected by their behavior just curious about it. For what we think of as “attention seeking” behaviors this can be very useful, as the camper is receiving attention without starting the cycle of negative attention.
2- Sympathy (NOT empathy). Sympathy is specifically when you feel bad for someone else, without feeling the same way, and acknowledging that you don’t feel bad yourself. “I realize it probably sucks that you are forced to come here and going swimming. I enjoy swimming, so I cant imagine what it’s like to be forced to go when you don’t want to. Can you tell me?”
3- Disregard/”a shrug”. If a child is digging their heels in or beginning to engage in a power struggle the best response is to be firm in your decision but not to react negatively about their decision not to follow instructions. A calm reminder of the consequences of their decision- with a reminder it is their decision and their responsibility to follow instructions- is all that is necessary. This is when there should be later follow up- from yourself, a unit leader, or even directors about the consequence of that decision on the camper’s part.
There of course are many other strategies; including distracting and moving on to something else, making a compromise, just talking it out- even just intentionally waiting it out (that is called “planned ignoring”). The best way to learn how to deal with challenging behaviors is to watch and learn while you give yourself many reminders that you and your campers are still in the “getting to know each other” phase of relationships.
In the end you will be fine if you remember the most basic rules governing behavior:
- The only person’s behavior I have any genuine control over is my own.
- I can and will influence others’ behavior by my reactions, for good or for bad.
- Other people (including children) engage in behavior primarily to serve their own needs.
Although I can tell you there will be difficult times, I hope in having read this those times will seem less lonely and less daunting. It is always easier to work through tough things when we are expecting them.